She sat on her bed, staring at her laptop. She began to think about what was going on in her life- with family, work, community and friends. How could she be involved in all the stuff and still feel so alone and cut off from people? She felt there was no one in her life she could open up to, no one who cared what was going on in her mind and heart.

Her family intended to make her feel like she was supposed to be totally self-sufficient, like she was not allowed to have any needs. As for her friends, well, she would spend time with them hanging out, chat, or do some activities, but she never talked with them about anything deep. She had tried it with a few of her friends, and it seemed like every time she opened up with someone, they would laugh at her or not take her seriously.

She wanted to reach out to other people and be honest with them and find out what they were all about. She wanted to share her thoughts, dreams, fears and desires. But she couldn’t bring herself to them.

She had talked to God, telling her how lonely she felt. She had expected God to fix the problem and take away her loneliness, but it had not happened. So she surrounded herself with work and church activities to cover up the lonely feelings.

(I)

I know what it feels like to be lonely, to isolate myself, to want to share so much with another person, but instead I keep it locked inside because people have undervalued me and I am afraid to show my weaknesses.

Life can be awful sometimes. I was so sad so I walked away.

The problem is that when I begin to care for a person on a deep level, I am opening up to him. I wish so much that I could push a button on the other person that would make him like me the same way, but that is not the way it works. With relationships there has to be a free choice.

Real friends are my glimpse of heaven. They are people I can be honest with, people who will love and show me grace even though they know the “bloopers” about me, and people who can confront me and be real with me. So I thought – real love can heal what wrong love has wounded.

I talk to God about the hurts I have. I look for people who show real love for God and for others. God put people in my life whom I can trust and feel very comfortable with. I will reach out slowly if I have to. I can even be honest and tell my friends that it is hard for me to open up. But I won’t let my worries stop my heart’s desire – and that is to LOVE..

Created by: Ms. Jonelyn F. Calutan-
010811

Read other Poems written by the Miss Jonelyn.